Private Conversation
September 6th 2008 14:00
At the Obama breakfast table, shortly after the Republican convention.
Barack: "I told you we shoulda put Hillary on the ticket, Michelle. I thought she'd get us votes, but you don't like her, so we're gonna lose."
Michelle: "Stop whining, Barack. Who knew a dumb old white dude would pick a woman? Republicans are supposed to hate women! I thought Joe Biden was a good idea for you. Took the edge off of your being black. One nice dumb, safe white dude running against another one. They're old! Next to them, you're a god!"
Barack: "Don't start believing that Messiah crap, Michelle. It's just a sugar pill for the crazy Christians. They'll believe anything." Laughing.
Michelle: "Like they believe you'll cut taxes?" Laughing.
Barack: "Yeah. If they'll buy that, they'll buy anything!" Laughing hard.
Michelle: "So what're we gonna do about Palin? That baby of hers makes you look like a monster! It wasn't just that you voted to kill all the defective babies, nobody cares about that. But then you went and lied about it. Who do you think you are, Bill Clinton?" Angrily.
Barack: "Well, who knew there'd be a female candidate who had one of them mistake babies and didn't get rid of it! I had to keep my base happy, didn't I?"
Michelle: "Look honey, Planned Parenthood is a big part of your base, but it's not the whole thing. Hell, even Hillary voted to let the defective little things live. You screwed up and then lied about it. That's what got Bill impeached!"
Barack: "I never cheated on you!"
Michelle: "Of course you didn't, you idiot. That's not what I mean! I don't care how much you lie, Barry, but lying and getting caught is stupid. Voters like to believe they can trust you."
Barack: "Then how come they kept electing Bill?"
Michelle: "He played it off like it was only sex, that's why. And he was so good at lying that most of the time nobody caught him at it."
Barack: "Hillary did." Chuckles.
Michelle: "And she cleaned up after him all the time, too. If you'd have made her your vice president, she'd have spent all her time cleaning up after him and wouldn't have been worth anything to you!"
Barack: "If we had her on the ticket, that Palin beast wouldn't mean much! McCain pulled a fast one. Why'd he have to pick a woman?"
Michelle: "You're whining again Barry. Let me think for a minute..."
Barack: "Think about what?"
Michelle: "About how we can minimize the damage McCain just did to us... " Stares silently into space for a few moments. "O.K. We picked Dishrag Biden so he couldn't overshadow you and he looked just like McCain, right?"
Barack: "Yeah."
Michelle: "It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn't it? Like you were the one everybody would be focusing on. Biden made a pretty good prop for awhile..."
Barack: "But now we're stuck with him!" Moaning.
Michelle: "Stop whining, Barry. You're pissing me off! Pay attention. They're starting to say you'll give them another Carter administration, right? They didn't like Carter. So maybe we should do something spectacular! If we offer them another Clinton administration, they might be stupid enough to go for it!"
Barack: "Huh? But I'm supposed to be for hope and change..."
Michelle: "Oh shut up and hand me the phone!" Grabs phone and dials. "Hello? Hillary?"
Barack: "I told you we shoulda put Hillary on the ticket, Michelle. I thought she'd get us votes, but you don't like her, so we're gonna lose."
Michelle: "Stop whining, Barack. Who knew a dumb old white dude would pick a woman? Republicans are supposed to hate women! I thought Joe Biden was a good idea for you. Took the edge off of your being black. One nice dumb, safe white dude running against another one. They're old! Next to them, you're a god!"
Barack: "Don't start believing that Messiah crap, Michelle. It's just a sugar pill for the crazy Christians. They'll believe anything." Laughing.
Michelle: "Like they believe you'll cut taxes?" Laughing.
Barack: "Yeah. If they'll buy that, they'll buy anything!" Laughing hard.
Michelle: "So what're we gonna do about Palin? That baby of hers makes you look like a monster! It wasn't just that you voted to kill all the defective babies, nobody cares about that. But then you went and lied about it. Who do you think you are, Bill Clinton?" Angrily.
Barack: "Well, who knew there'd be a female candidate who had one of them mistake babies and didn't get rid of it! I had to keep my base happy, didn't I?"
Michelle: "Look honey, Planned Parenthood is a big part of your base, but it's not the whole thing. Hell, even Hillary voted to let the defective little things live. You screwed up and then lied about it. That's what got Bill impeached!"
Barack: "I never cheated on you!"
Michelle: "Of course you didn't, you idiot. That's not what I mean! I don't care how much you lie, Barry, but lying and getting caught is stupid. Voters like to believe they can trust you."
Barack: "Then how come they kept electing Bill?"
Michelle: "He played it off like it was only sex, that's why. And he was so good at lying that most of the time nobody caught him at it."
Barack: "Hillary did." Chuckles.
Michelle: "And she cleaned up after him all the time, too. If you'd have made her your vice president, she'd have spent all her time cleaning up after him and wouldn't have been worth anything to you!"
Barack: "If we had her on the ticket, that Palin beast wouldn't mean much! McCain pulled a fast one. Why'd he have to pick a woman?"
Michelle: "You're whining again Barry. Let me think for a minute..."
Barack: "Think about what?"
Michelle: "About how we can minimize the damage McCain just did to us... " Stares silently into space for a few moments. "O.K. We picked Dishrag Biden so he couldn't overshadow you and he looked just like McCain, right?"
Barack: "Yeah."
Michelle: "It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn't it? Like you were the one everybody would be focusing on. Biden made a pretty good prop for awhile..."
Barack: "But now we're stuck with him!" Moaning.
Michelle: "Stop whining, Barry. You're pissing me off! Pay attention. They're starting to say you'll give them another Carter administration, right? They didn't like Carter. So maybe we should do something spectacular! If we offer them another Clinton administration, they might be stupid enough to go for it!"
Barack: "Huh? But I'm supposed to be for hope and change..."
Michelle: "Oh shut up and hand me the phone!" Grabs phone and dials. "Hello? Hillary?"
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